Angry. White. Female.

See, this happens to me all the time. I say I'm going to start blogging again, and then I get overwhelmed by the kind of sad reality that exists in the world and I can't even put into words my sadness, my anger, my sense of helplessness....

This semester, I am in two difficult classes: the Law of Sexual Assault and Aboriginal Law. One makes me angry based on my gender and one makes me angry based on my race. One for being a victim of my gender, and one a perpetrator of my race.

One of our first readings in the SA class...Okay, aside required: really, I can't bring myself to write "sexual assault" too often, because I now have to think about it so much. I've taken to referring to it as my "Crim" class. I suppose it's a way of neutralizing it, kind of like reforming the law to call it "sexual assault" instead of rape neutralized it within the criminal law. Anyway, one of our first readings was from Andrea Dworking, respected, lionized, hated and despised radical feminist. It was a transcript from a speech she gave at a conference of the National Organization for Changing Men in 1983. I feel these words apply equally to men--as Dworkin intended--as they do to me as a white person:

...everything is a reason not to do something about changing the fact that you do have that power.

Hiding behind guilt, that's my favourite...Oh it's horrible, yes, and I'm so sorry. You have the time to feel guilty. We don't have the time for you to feel guilty. Your guilt is a form of acquiescence in what continues to occur. Your guilt helps keep things the way they are.

...mostly your guilt, your suffering, reduces to: gee, we really feel so bad...And I'm sorry that you feel so bad--so uselessly and stupidly bad--because there is a way in which this really is your tragedy.

...You damn well better believe that you're involved in this tragedy and that it's your tragedy too.

So, that is what I'm thinking about these days. I'm thinking about graduating in 10 months and joining a profession which can perpetuate and perpetrate as well as force change, protect, and do right. Where will I be?

This song has been doing it for me:

Worst. Blogger. Ever!

Apparently it's a good thing that I'm going to be a lawyer because I'd obviously be a dismal failure as a professional blogger.

A ridiculous rain shower just struck, and I have a fairly perfect view from my 22nd floor window. Across in Gatineau, it's blue skies. From here, I don't really need the Weather Network, because I can just watch the weather roll in.

Ah, Gatineau. You know which city Gatineau is across from? That's right. Ottawa.

Here we go again.

I shan't bore with tedious descriptions of the relative disdain I'm feeling (if my mood were a facial expression, it would be a scowl) about being back at it for 3L. I felt moderately better after having lunch with Trixie and TF&C yesterday. Almost the only good thing about 3L is that I've only got 8 months left.

Not that I should be too negative. I picked my classes this year based entirely on what I was interested in (Admin Law excepted) and which profs I wanted . So, there is potential for improvement. And, I would dearly like to enjoy the last 8 months of formal education that I will be subjecting myself to for at least the next, oh, I'd say 5 years.

In 8 months, some of the best friends I've ever had will scatter to the four corners, so I should be grateful that we've got this time together. And I am. It's just kind of a shame that law school is getting in the way.

Now, I just have to hang in there and get through it.